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A Fertile Future

“If you can’t have kids, I’m not sure I want to marry you.”

His words cut like a knife. This was my fiancé, the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, questioning whether or not he could spend the rest of his life with only me, not me plus kids.

Our engagement had already been on the rocks (illness has a way of putting relationships there) but this statement was the final nail in the coffin of till death do us part. Without missing a beat or shedding a tear (in front of him, at least), I flatly stated that I couldn’t guarantee I’d ever be able to bear children and couldn’t marry someone who required me to promise that as part of our wedding vows.

A year earlier, at the age of twenty, sickness had forced my body to trade in its menstrual cycle for early menopause. I was a hot mess – literally – thanks to the added (and unwanted) bonus of hot flashes. Within a few months, the fate of my fertility (barring a miracle of God) was sealed.

Since I couldn’t guarantee future infertility reversal and my fiancé couldn’t unequivocally commit without such an assurance, I did one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I called off the engagement and cancelled all plans for our future together.

Sometimes, when I stop to consider that someone stopped loving me because of what I couldn’t physically give, it still hurts. He was supposed to be my forever friend and closest companion, but I wasn’t enough and what I could provide wasn’t enough.

Knowing that I am unable to carry a child has impacted my self-esteem, confidence and self-worth. “What man will ever want me if I can’t give him a child?” has been one of my most frequently asked inner questions. For answers and reassurance that my future is fertile (whether my cycle ever returns or not), I go to God’s word. On the pages of the Bible I discover who’s I am and that who I am is enough. God’s holy inspired love letter tells me that Jesus loves me just as I am. His affection and devotion is not dependent on what I am capable of giving because He does not derive His value from child-bearing parenthood potential. He derives value simply from personhood.

When I sink back into despair and my hope wears thin, it is the truth of who I am in Christ that restores my faith and joy again. I remember Psalm 37:4 that says those who “delight themselves in the Lord will receive the desires of their heart.” From that scripture I am assured that God is not only the fulfiller of my desires, He’s the knower of them, too. God sees what is in my heart. He knows the emptiness that comes from infertility and how I long to have Him fill it.

Over the past ten years spent in infertility God has used the time to bring me back to His all-sufficient, abundant love. In the presence of Jesus’ precious Spirit, I’ve learned that the most satisfying love does not come from a husband or developing baby. It comes from on High and dwells within.

The hope I have for future love and companionship is held in the hands of my unfailing Heavenly Father. Because Jesus loves me just as I am, I believe that, one day, I will be loved again – and not for what my body can give or do but simply for who I am in Christ.

To my infertile friends, remember that your capacity to love and be loved is not determined by your ability to procreate. You are worthy of love because God you created you in His image and sent His Son to rescue you with eternal life.
If you ever doubt that God has a fertile plan for your life, return to the pages of scripture. Read versus such as Psalm 37:4, Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 40:5 and Isaiah 25:1. As you meditate on God’s truth your faith will be strengthened and hope renewed by the reassurance that God is good and faithful and He isn’t finished with you yet.

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The Resurrection of a Nearly Dead Dream

To pursue my dream or let it die?

That is the question.

Becoming a writer has been one of my most precious dreams for nearly a decade. It’s right up there with someday becoming a wife and Mom – but I’ll save more on that for another post.

My beloved writer dream first came to life on “Pippy Love.” On that simple Blogger site I wrote about the antics of my schnoodle puppy, Pippy (named after the beloved children’s character, Pippy Longstocking). In those posts, I shared what I learned while teaching Pippy how to walk on leash and sleep through the night without having an accident in the house. I acknowledged that doggie parenting was far more trying than I ever imagined and admitted that, at times, I wondered what I had gotten myself into.

Fast forward eight years and so much has changed. As for Pippy, she doesn’t need to be leashed to walk obediently by my side and hasn’t had an accident in the house since I can’t remember when. As for me, I’m still acknowledging that I’m a far from perfect doggie parent who repeatedly gets herself into things without fully understanding what that thing entails.

As for the blog Pippy Love, that’s a thing of the past. About a year and a half ago I said my goodbyes to the basic (and free) Blogger platform and started posting here, on Jesus take the Pen. Deciding to launch an official website with an honest to goodness web address was a leap of faith. It took money, vision and the belief that what I was putting on the internet was worth reading.

Being the Pollyanna that I am, I debuted Jesus take the Pen with high hopes that its readership would take-off. A few shares here and there and, viola! I imagined followers subscribing to the page in droves. In my wildest fantasies I even envision a letter from Guidepost popping up in my inbox one day, asking me to be a guest poster on their website.

But, alas, my dreams have not come true.

Jesus take the Pen has only three subscribers, one of which is my Mom. The second is a dear friend from the church and the third is the web developer who became a subscriber while testing JTP’s “subscribe” feature when launching the site. And, as I’m sure you already guessed, Guide Post has yet to email me.

From the subscribe and share analytics perspective, Jesus take the Pen has been a failure. It has far underperformed in reach and readership. And although I still believe the site’s pages and posts could encourage readers on their journey with Jesus, they’d have to actually read it to receive the help and hope I’ve tried, with God’s help, to provide.

So, what now? Is this the end of the line for JTP? Is my dream of being a well-read writer dead? Is it time to close down my site and put down my penl?

After mulling over these questions for months and feeling utterly defeated for weeks, I’ve come to a firm conclusion. The answer to all of the above questions is an unequivocal, no.

No, now is not the time to close down JTP. No, now is not the time to abandon my dream of being a writer. No, now is not the end of giving Jesus my pen and asking Him to write His story upon my life.

Now is the time to put my foot down and claim victory over my dream. It’s time to declare that, by the resurrection power of Jesus, my writing future is about to experience an abundant life revival. In fact, now is the perfect time to rejoice in the plans God has for JTP that are far greater, loftier and incredible than the big dreams I’ve had for it.

When the going gets tough, satan wants God’s children to give up. The enemy wants us to associate down with defeated. He hopes that when things get quiet, we quit and when things get tough, we tucker out and throw in the towel. But today I’m writing to tell satan “no” to killing my dream. I am recommitting JTP to Jesus, boldly declaring that the enemy does not have the power to destroy what God has created.

Because I know that God is always good and always at work behind the scenes, orchestrating the very best plan for Jesus’ glorification, I will continue to keep writing and dreaming. No matter what the analytical evidence does or does not say, I will remain confident that God is not finished with this site or my writing future. He has a purpose for this weak vessel and plans to proclaim the goodness, faithfulness and power of His Risen Son through my pen.

 

So, stay tuned, because if you thought things were getting eerily quiet on this website, you thought wrong. By God’s grace and power, this site is just getting started.

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Heart to Heart: A pen for every season

It took becoming sick to teach me how to talk to God. Lyme, pain, a pen and paper were a few of the choice tools God used to draw me closer to Jesus.

At first, I was resistant. Or, more accurately, I was distracted. The illness was my all-consuming obsession. I was fixated on symptoms, possible causes and an accurate diagnosis. The only time I picked up a pen was to write my medical history in a doctor’s office.

But then something shifted.

The sickness didn’t go away. It remitted – briefly – but then it got worse – much worse. I lost all control of my body and no amount of research could get it back again. Failed attempts at doctoring left me feeling misunderstood. I desperately wanted someone to listen, care and get what I was going through. I needed to vent, be real and know I wasn’t alone.

But what I truly needed most was help from on high; aid from the Great Physician who could carry me through the mystery that had become my life.

Although I had come to know Jesus years before my illness began, I didn’t know how to actually be in a relationship with Him. I had yet to rely on Him fully and in complete dependence. I was saved but I wasn’t walking with my Savior step-by-step and hand-in-hand. Jesus was definitely my friend, but He wasn’t my bestie.

But sickness changed that.

The seed of change that was my need took root in a pen. Writing was God’s gift to me – a communication method that helped me disconnect from the world around me and reconnect with His Spirit. Although the pen and paper, in and of themselves, weren’t the salvation, they were a vital tool God used to deepen and strengthen my relationship with Jesus.

After almost a decade of writing, I have accumulated boxes of notecards, stacks of journals and numerous files on my computer’s hard drive. Every word (some written on tear-stained paper) a testimony to Who sustained me throughout my sickness. The reason I kept fighting for my life and believing in the future is written on those pages. The Person that kept me even when I wanted to end my own life is revealed on a those reams of paper.

It was Jesus. Always and only Jesus.

I’ve often wondered what will happen when I’m not sick anymore. Will I keep writing? Will I still rely on this pen and paper to communicate with God? Will this still be a key tool He uses to meet and chat with me?

I don’t know the answer to those questions. Only God knows what He has planned for the next seasons of my life. But I do know this: Jesus will be there and He’ll keep providing plenty of tools to connect with Him along the way.

Whether or not God uses writing, I know He’ll keep revealing Himself. With or without the use of a pen and paper,  He will continue to show His love by faithfully making His spirit known in incredible and unexpected ways.

In my heart, I sure do hope He keeps using writing to draw me closer to Jesus but I trust that Father knows best. He knows my desires and, more importantly, He knows just what I need in every season of my life. He will provide in the future just like He has in the present and past. Because God is good… He is faithful… And He isn’t finished yet.